


Aching for Alex

by quinnkng



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-04-30 12:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14497083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnkng/pseuds/quinnkng
Summary: Olivia deals with Alex's induction into WITSEC. They learn to live without eachother--until Conners' arrest brings Alex back to New York, but not for as long as they'd hoped.Basically just canon, but fleshing out the A/O relationship that you and I both know was happening between the scenes





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first SVU fic, whats goooood

Chapter 1: Loss   
Rudy’s Tavern, Midtown Manhattan   
Monday September 29, 2003   
11:48 PM

 

Two detectives and an attorney walked out of a bar.

"Can I get you a cab?" Elliot asked.

"No, I'm not far, I'll walk," Alex replied. "Thanks though." 

She paused for a moment before adding, "Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzzkill." 

"Oh, don't be silly. It's late," Olivia said. 

She was about to insist she walk Alex home, but wouldn’t get the chance to finish her sentence.

Olivia was right, though; It certainly was late.

It was late and they were all exhausted from the past few days—understandably so. The Zapata case had been a long and arduous ordeal for the whole team and they were just _ tired _ . In the weeks and months following that night, Olivia had replayed the scene hundreds of times in her mind. Racking her brain, she searched for some reason not she nor Elliot noticed the black SUV come slinking around the corner. 

There was no other excuse besides it was just late. Their guards were down. 

The car slowed down beside the sidewalk, a gun peeking out from behind a tinted window. As it passed them it fired three shots, cutting off Olivia’s words.

She should have seen it coming.

_ "Get down!"  _

Olivia and Elliot dropped to the cement, the car already speeding away. As Elliot jumped up and ran after it, Olivia glanced behind her to see Alex. Alex, lying on her back. Her stomach twisted.

"Alex!?" She crawled to her. "No. No, no, no, no, no." 

It certainly wasn’t the first time Olivia had witnessed such violence against an innocent woman. She knew exactly what to do, but even so her eyes grew wide in horror. This woman—her beautiful girlfriend—lay still beneath her, her blood slowly pooling onto the sidewalk below. With each drip Olivia thought she could feel her heart beating harder to compensate for Alex’s own. 

"Alex, stay with me. It's going to be okay sweetheart, stay with me baby," Olivia’s voice trembled. Alex's blue eyes blinked once, then met Olivia's briefly. As Alex looked up at the brunette her lips parted for just a moment, trying to speak, but nothing came out. Her eyes began to lose focus, gazing on through Olivia rather than at her.

"Look at me Alex, look at me! Hang on Al, please, you know I love you so much!" Olivia choked out. "Listen to me, we have so much left to do together.” Words were pouring out of her, unfiltered.

“I need you, Alex, I love you. You've gotta stay with me."

She had yelled to Elliot to call a bus, but Olivia didn’t even notice when it finally pulled up, bathing the scene in red and blue lights. While the EMS team worked hurriedly to stabilize the ADA, Olivia felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Elliot. 

"Come on Liv, give them some space,” he spoke carefully.

Olivia flashed her attention back down to Alex and knew he was right. Her breathing was shallow, eyes glazed and looking off far away. The blood from her shoulder wasn't slowing, and Olivia's hands were saturated in crimson. The paramedic was telling her she needed to move so they could lift her into the ambulance. Shaking, Oliva stood up, a stifled sob barely escaping her lips. Elliot put a protective arm around her shoulders and steered her back a few feet away. They watched as the team lifted Alex's limp body into the back of the bus.

"Wait!" Olivia suddenly shouted as they started to close the doors. She ran over. "Let me ride with her." 

The paramedics looked at each other with a brief moment of hesitation. 

"Let her go," Elliot said. "She won't get in your way."

Olivia climbed in next to Alex, holding her hand. She spoke softly to the blonde:

"Alexandra Cabot, don't you dare leave me." 

\--

The waiting room at St. Vincent's was tense. The anxiety was palpable, practically dripping off the muted green walls as the detectives sat. Or rather Elliot sat, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Those damn chairs, he thought, were probably one of the worst parts of the hospital. You know, the square ones with the grimey, shapeless wooden arms and shitty, lumpy, pilled upholstery that he probably could have done a better job of himself. He sat forward once more, watching his restless partner. Olivia was not sitting; she had been pacing the floor all night. When she finally did sit, she tapped her foot impatiently. This was driving Elliot slightly crazy, but he knew better than to say anything to her right now. 

"What the hell is taking them so long?" she asked for the hundredth time.

"She's in surgery. It takes time." 

"But it shouldn't be taking THIS long, right?” 

"You know they’re doing everything they can. We just have to wait and see." 

Olivia stood up abruptly, letting out a deep breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, and ran a hand through her hair. 

"I need some air." 

As she marched out the double doors, Elliot briefly considered going after her, but thought better of it. He sighed. He knew Olivia and Alex were close friends, but was hard pressed to think of a time he'd ever seen his partner so distraught. Of course everyone was upset, but Olivia was taking it to a new level, even if she was trying not to let it show. She and Alex had butt heads when the blonde first transferred in, but when they did come around, the change had occurred seemingly overnight. The guys weren’t sure what had elicited their newfound friendship, except that maybe the women were simply tired of the constant fighting. While Alex and Olivia getting along certainly made everyone’s lives easier, that wasn’t to say they didn’t still fight over some cases; The nature of their high-pressure jobs made conflict between the two inevitable. Even so, the team could relax just a little knowing that at the end of the day, they were all truly on the same side. 

Perhaps a tad selfishly, Elliot was also glad that his partner had finally made a friend—a real one that she actually spent time with outside of work. He knew as well as anyone how their jobs could crush out any semblance of a social life. So, as her arguably only friend _ ,  _ he was genuinely happy for her that she had someone else to talk to, and a woman at that. Even though he lived in a house full of women, he still wasn’t the best at talking about feelings, and had hoped that Alex could provide in this area.

Elliot was interrupted from his worrying by the harsh tone of his cell phone ringing.

“Stabler,” he answered immediately. 

It was Munch, calling to check in. Elliot spoke quietly; He didn’t need Olivia somehow hearing it and barging inside, demanding to know what was going on. It would only make matters worse if they didn’t have any significant progress to update her with.

“Any luck with the plates?” he asked.

“It was a stolen from Queens 2 weeks ago, from an auto body shop. Aside from that, essentially, we know nothing.” 

Elliot sighed. Munch and Fin had been in and out over the past few hours, working with Cragen back at the precinct to track down the shooter. Every possible lead, however, had been met with a dead end. Still, Elliot was still envious of the fact that at least they were doing something. As much as he knew he needed to be there for Olivia, he hated waiting around, relying on other people for information. He’d have much rather been working with them to catch the bastard who did this. That being said, the squad was all painfully aware they'd have to step off soon and hand it all over to Homicide, as it wasn’t a case for Special Victims. Technically, they were all too emotionally invested to be involved anyway. Elliot thanked Munch for the update and in turn the older detective asked about Alex. Elliot grimaced and echoed Munch’s own words back to him:    
“Essentially, we know nothing.”

\--

Outside, the hospital, Olivia was lost in her thoughts. She sat on the curb, picking at the sleeve of her shirt which was still stiff with Alex’s blood. She hadn’t yet changed clothes, but all of a sudden she really wished she had. It was 6AM and chill ran over her body as a breeze floated through the cool morning air. If felt good on her skin, which had been crawling for hours. Taking a deep breath she leaned back on one hand and closed her eyes, listening to the sounds of the city. This, she knew. She concentrated, trying to find solace in the normalcy of the noises she’d grown up with: car horns, a train rumbling in the distance, a low flying helicopter, faint sirens- 

Any comfort she might have begun to feel went out the window as the sirens brought her back to the nightmare in which she was living. The love of her life had been in surgery for nearly 6 hours, but Olivia thought it may as well have been 6 months; time seemed to be passing so slowly. Her mind wandered back to last weekend, right before they had caught Livia Sandoval's case on Monday. She had tried to take Alex out to dinner to celebrate their official 6 months together, but things didn’t go quite as planned...

_ Sipping her wine, Olivia took bitter notice of how the glass was nearly empty. It was her second one of the night. It wouldn’t be something to complain about though, if her date had been there, enjoying it with her. She had been waiting alone in the restaurant for almost 45 minutes. Alex was supposed to have met her at 9, but hadn’t ever returned Olivia’s text from 9:10.  _

**_Hey, I’m at a table in the back right corner when you get here xx -O_ **

_ At first Olivia understood that the her girlfriend must have gotten caught up in the office, but as more time passed she grew increasingly irritated. Why hadn’t she called? The detective didn’t appreciate being stood up, and she was quickly tiring of the pitiful, careful tone the waiter used every time he came to check on her. She glanced at the door again and surveyed the sidewalk through the front windows. There was no sign of Alex, and as she looked around the restaurant she realized that the staff had begun closing around her. Most other tables had left, or were otherwise just finishing up. The waiter made his way over to her table once more.  _

_ “Would you like another glass?” he asked her gently. Olivia shook her head no and he nodded in understanding, going to grab her check. She paid, downed the last of her wine, and put on her coat. Walking outside, she checked her phone once more, but still nothing.  _

_ “Liv!” she looked up in surprise to see Alex hurrying down the sidewalk toward her. Olivia gave her an icy glare. “I’m so sorry. I was writing a summation and didn’t realize the time.” _

_ “I called you, texted.”  _

_ “My phone died a few hours ago,” she explained. Olivia just glared at her, arms crossed. _

_ Alex continued sheepishly, “That’s no excuse though, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes waiting for my sorry ass and I’ve ruined our date. I’m so sorry, Olivia. It won’t happen again.” Olivia’s glare was beginning to soften, but she still held her arms tightly across her chest. Alex reached out to take her hand and unwrap her protective stance. _

_ “Let me take you home and make it up to you. I have your favorite wine and leftovers in the fridge.” Alex’s offer was tempting and sounded significantly better than going home to her own apartment alone and angry. Even though the picture Alex painted looked more or less like every other night they spent together, truthfully, she was already on board. It had been a long week and she didn’t want to fight, especially not tonight. Still, she wanted to make Alex work a little harder for it.  _

_ “Please, we can redo tonight next weekend. I’ll make sure it’s worth your while,” Alex said, flashing a chagrined smile. That smile would be the death of her, Oliva thought. _

_ “Next week?” Olivia said. _

_ “I promise. Now let’s go home and see if we can still salvage the night?” _

They were supposed to have gone out again on Friday night but they’d both been buried in the Zapata case, so they postponed it once more. They were used to that, though; rescheduling plans sometimes multiple times was something they had learned was unavoidable in their relationship. But now, with Alex on the operating table, Olivia felt sick as she realized they might never get to redo that dinner. 

"Liv, they're done!" Fin's voice shook her from her thoughts. Running inside, Olivia’s heart pounded as she anticipated the doctor’s report. Approaching the group, her face fell as the surgeon’s expression said it all. She hardly heard the words coming out of her mouth:

"I'm sorry, we did everything we could. The bullet nicked an artery and we just couldn't stop the bleeding..."

The room was spinning and all Olivia could hear was her blood pounding in her ears. She turned and walked away before the surgeon was even done talking. Hand over her mouth, she pushed through the doors, stumbling back outside. She didn't hear Fin come out behind her, but even if she had, she wouldn't have been able to get herself together. She hated for any of the squad to see her break down, but this time there was simply nothing she could do to control it. He put an arm around her and she turned into him, crying hard into his shoulder. Saying nothing, he only held her. Olivia’s world had fallen apart. Alex Cabot was dead.


	2. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is dead  
> (or is she?)

Chapter 2: Grief   
Special Victims Unit Squadroom   
Wednesday, October 1, 2003   
1:13 PM

 

The squadroom was quiet, like a war zone in a temporary ceasefire. Tension hung heavy in the air, but no one dared break it for fear of getting shot. It was Olivia’s grief that was the most dangerous; she had been spitting bullets at anyone and everyone. She was driving herself crazy, living and breathing Alex’s case without any leads.

“Liv, we’re grabbing lunch. You want anything?” Fin asked as he and Munch stood up with their coats.

“No I’m okay, thanks,” she replied without looking up from her desk. The guys all exchanged a glance, Elliot giving a shrug. Munch and Fin left as Elliot watched his partner flip through the case files. It was all she’d been she’d been doing since they’d left the hospital yesterday morning. In fact, when everyone went home last night Olivia stayed behind. Elliot suspected she’d slept in the crib, and his theory was confirmed when he arrived in the morning to find her still sitting at her desk. Wearing the same rumpled clothes, the only changes were heavier bags under her weary eyes and her hair still damp from the showers. 

Desperate for some answers—and for some justice—Olivia thought if she just kept at it long enough she might see something new. There was only so much to work with, though. She and Elliot were the only witnesses. She’d spoken to the staff in the bar but no one noticed anyone paying their party special attention. She’d talked to Liz Donnelly; had the boss seen anyone hanging around Alex in the office? Alas, nothing had been out of the ordinary. She racked her brain all night long, willing herself to remember any missed details. 

Reluctantly, she tried to sleep around 1AM; having been up all Monday night too, she knew she needed it. Even so, she was only able to get a couple hours’ rest, tossing and turning the entire time. Olivia lost count of the times she’d jolted awake in a cold sweat. Whenever she closed her eyes it was Alex. Alex on the pavement, bleeding and gasping for air. Alex in the ambulance, being hooked to wires and tubes. Alex on a gurney, being wheeled into the hospital through double doors with the sign that said,  _ “NO ENTRY.”  _ That was the last time she had seen her: pale as a ghost, covered in blood and EMS equipment. The ER doctors who met the ambulance in the bay seemed a little too young to be taking care of Alexandra Cabot, Olivia had thought in hindsight.

“You sure you don’t want anything?” Elliot asked.

_ I want a lead. I want a needle in this guy’s arm. I want Alex back! _

“We have coffee here,” she said.

“Yeah, but when’s the last time you ate?” 

_ At the bar with you and Alex on Monday night. _

Olivia just shrugged and flipped a page. 

Thirty minutes later, Fin dropped a bagel on Olivia’s desk as he returned with Munch.

“I said I didn’t want anything,” she frowned up at him.

“Well, we thought we’d get you some food just in case you changed your mind.”

Olivia was silent and flipped another page. The hands of the clock crept around and around five times. The squad was working through a pretty heavy caseload, but the day was moving in slow motion. Even the phones seemed hesitant to ring. It was one of those days where Olivia could picture Alex striding into the precinct and giving them shit. She could hear her heels clicking on the tile floor and she could picture how she’d struggle to hide a smile as she teased the team.

_ “What’s going on in here?”  _ she’d ask, furrowing her brow.  _ “Did crime take a vacation?”  _ The question would usually garner a scattered chuckle and an update for the ADA. Olivia would have given anything to hear the distinct sound of those Louboutin heels in the hallway today.

“I think I’m gonna check in with Warner,” Olivia said, abruptly pushing her chair away from the desk.

“Liv, she’ll call if she has any updates. And I still don’t think she even has privileges with Cabot’s case anyway. We technically don’t,” Munch said matter-of-factly.

“Well, it beats sitting around here waiting for a phone to ring.”

“It’s getting late, we should go in the morning. You should go home and get some sleep. It’s not helping anyone to have you running on fumes,” Elliot proposed.

Olivia bristled at his suggestion.

“Are you my partner or are you my mother?” she snapped, standing up and grabbing her coat. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to come; I’m just trying to find the son of a bitch who  _ killed _ our ADA.”

“Seriously, Liv?” Elliot sighed, “Warner’s not gonna have anything. Where are you going?”

“Nowhere,” the captain’s voice stopped her in her tracks. Olivia turned around sharply, already biting her tongue.

“You’re all done with this. We’ve handed the case over to the feds, and none of you are to keep digging around in it. It’s not SVU and it’s not appropriate when we’re too close to this,” he said, looking pointedly at Olivia. 

“Captain-“ she began to protest.

“No buts. You know how this works, and I don’t like it any more than you do, but 1PP will have my ass if you keep this up.” 

Olivia sighed and sat back down, pulling out some old DD-5s she had to finish from the past couple weeks. She tried to focus on them, but couldn’t keep her mind from wandering, staring off into space with watery eyes. Soon enough though, she was rereading Alex’s file, spinning her wheels again.

The next hour was just as quiet as the rest of the day had been. There was little talk other than that of a high profile vic who was had recanted her statement a few hours earlier.

“Do you think Alicia was intimidated?”

“Maybe her attacker is threatening her.”

“I got more of the sense she was scared for her reputation, not her life. Blackmail?” 

“What are missing? What would anyone have to use against her? The more we learn the more it paints her as a saint.”

“We should have dug deeper. I told you, these public figures always have something to hide,” Munch said.

“What, are we blaming the victims now?” Olivia retorted. Her first contribution to the conversation, of course she came in swinging. Munch sighed.

“Not the vic per se—rather the society in which we live! Look at our celebrities, our politicians! Power and money go hand in hand; it’s a deadly combination that makes for a closet full of skeletons! Anyone remember the Clintons? Vince Foster anyone?” 

“Come on John, not the point!” Olivia barked, “You and I both know there’s no such thing as a perfect vic.”

“Yeah, clearly this one is  _ far _ from it,” Fin chimed in.

“Are you kidding me?” Olivia’s voice raised now, beyond irritated by her colleagues’ commentary.

“Benson, my office now!” Cragen’s voice cut through the room. Already preparing to apologize for her attitude, Olivia obliged and closed the door behind her. The captain just shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and motioning for her to sit. 

“I want you to take the rest of the week off.”

“I don’t need it,” she replied tersely, “I just need to work.”

“And I need you to stop fighting with my squad. I don’t want to see you back in here before Monday. You look like hell, Olivia. Go home and get some sleep. That’s an order.” 

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. Furious as she was, she knew there was little to do to change his mind. She headed back to her desk and began putting her work away.

“Benson, wait. DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you guys tonight,” Cragen said, stepping out of his office to hand her a piece of paper, “There's the address.”

“What for?” Elliot asked.

“Something about closing out the case.”

\--

“Real pain in the ass, this one,” Hammond said, opening the door to the SUV. 

Out stepped a familiar blonde. Olivia’s eyes widened, immediately filling with tears. Alex’s arm was carefully cradled in a white sling and Olivia recognized the tan jacket she wore as one of her own. The ADA had stolen it from her closet a month ago. Initially, Olivia had been kind of annoyed to lose her favorite jacket to her girlfriend, but any annoyance melted away upon seeing just how good it looked on Alex. Now, though, she wore it differently. Her usual confidence was absent as she held her arms crossed, fingers digging into the soft leather coat.

“I am so sorry about all of this,” Alex said, her voice low, nervous blue eyes flicking up from the ground. 

“Your funeral's tomorrow,” Olivia replied, shaking her head with bleary eyes.

“And you're both expected to attend. For the time being, Ms. Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her,” said Hammond.

Alex averted her gaze to look up to the sky, fighting back tears. Seeing Olivia break like this was too much; if she allowed herself to feel it too then she’d never be able to make herself get back in that car. As much as Alex’s mind and body screamed to pull Olivia to her and never let go, the ice queen was doing her best to throw all her walls up.

“Witness protection,” Stabler said, understanding.

“Until Velez is extradited or otherwise dealt with,” Alex nodded, looking away once more. Olivia searched her face, trying to connect. With a small step forward she put a hand on Alex’s arm, pulling her gaze back. Alex reluctantly met her dark eyes, finally sharing her heartbreak.

“How long?” Olivia whispered. Alex could hear her voice breaking and opened her mouth to reply but no words came out. There was no answer to give.

_ “We're on the move.” _

_ “Sorry, folks.” _

_ “Move them out.” _

Just as suddenly as she had appeared, resurrected from the SUV, Alex was being whisked away with the unparalleled urgency and authority of the feds. Climbing back into the vehicle, it may as well have been a hearse. She turned, looking back to Olivia. There was so much to say, yet for the first time in her life the lawyer couldn’t seem to find the right words. And then the door was closed, tinted windows hiding her from danger. The three cars pulled out of the lot, one after another like a funeral procession. As the headlights faded from view Olivia and Elliot were left alone in the dark. Only minutes after having come back to life, Alex Cabot was dead—again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little short but I just realized it's been 10 months????????? Since I posted Chapter 1??????? So I'm just gonna put it out and see if we can keep it going. Maybe Chapter 3 will take one or two months, rather than 10. Jeez. If you feel so inclined, feedback is always appreciated


End file.
